Cerulean Sins, Chapter Four

Sorry I'm behind, you guys. Without turning in to Overshare Man, I'll just say that my mental health/med situation is nowhere near as good as it could be. Still, I think things are improving. I'm back on the med that I know works now, it's just a matter of waiting for it to kick in.

Onward to Anita. I'll try and do as many of these as I can so I can catch up with Dottie.

Anita is trying to protect Asher from all the people with guns. For some reason all the cops use "ain't."

It's only been five years since Addison v. Clarke, apparently, the landmark case that awarded vampires the same basic rights that living people enjoy. Before this cops were allowed to just shoot vampires on sight.

Anita is all I WILL HAVE YOUR BADGES IF YOU SHOOT and the bodyguards are like WE DON'T NEED NO STINKING BADGES and weirdly all the cops turn on the bodyguards with guns drawn. What? A moment ago they were ready to blast Asher away but now they're all on board with this?

I am confused.

Apparently Asher knows better than to just fly in to a group of cops while Anita is on the job, so something is "very wrong."

Could this be plot?

Though really, this little stunt ought to impact Anita's ability to get work in the future. Don't worry though, it definitely won't

Everyone fucks off except Nicols and the court reporter, effectively killing whatever tension LKH has managed to build. Nicols reminds us of the AB tradition whereby characters make perfectly obvious, logical conclusions and are praised for them all out of keeping with reality. In this case Nicols asks what's so important that Asher needs to fly in, and Anita thinks "Damn, he was too good a cop." 

Standards are low in this universe, is what I'm saying.

Anita makes a Star Wars reference as Asher and Nicols exchange pleasantries because if you're absolute shit at keeping your books relevant you should just have your MC fall back on hokey references to pop culture.

Okay so the next bit is confusing. I'll do my best. So Belle Morte is soudre de sang for J.C.'s bloodline, meaning she's the source of vampiric life for all other vampires that follow after her. This gives her special status in terms of vampire politics. Belle Morte has been fucking with J.C. and Anita through her vampire mind powers for awhile now, yet for some reason she's sent an ambassador of sorts in the person of a vampire named Musette. Asher has turned up to inform Anita that 1) Musette has arrived ahead of schedule and 2) Musette is apparently injured. Except she's not, because that is evidently Asher's way of keeping the truth from Nicols and the court reporter while still getting Anita to understand the seriousness of whatever is going down.

All right, I don't understand why saying she's been horribly injured is less incendiary than what is actually going on. Especially in front of a court reporter. You'd think an immensely powerful vampire arriving only to suffer a debilitating attack would be front page news, plus a reason for any group in opposition to J.C. to plan an attack. Whatever.

The judge is magically still here despite LKH telling me everyone left but Nicols and the court reporter. Sigh. Anita and Asher are going to leave to go handle the Musette situation but we have to pause so Anita can describe Asher's appearance for like three paragraphs, sure to mention his "blue, blue" eyes.

Asher is a tragic guy because oh my god, he has scars and people look at him with pity. Okay fine, but I know the real angst is whether his penis works or not. Kinda takes the oomph out of his personal angst arc, doesn't it?

Asher and Anita get in the car and start driving. According to Asher, Musette showed up an hour ago, which is an insult considering she and J.C. were still in negotiations about what sort of entourage she's allowed to bring.

Then we get this gem:

"His voice held sorrow so thick you could have squeezed it out, tears in your cup."

The first half of that sentence is so vague that it has no connection to the cup image at the end. His sorrow has to be as thick as something that would usually go in a drink for that to even have a hope of working. Not to mention there aren't many darkity dark things that go in to a cup, so I think this one might be a lost cause.

Despite Asher's voice having that much sorrow in it he's apparently hiding how he feels because his expression is blank. Wat.

Anita tells the reader once more that she's J.C.'s human servant since apparently we didn't understand after the first two mentions. She has memories of having sex with Asher through J.C. which I find particularly gross since Anita is a homophobic little shit and has no right to know about their lovemaking. It further pisses me off that even though she's in some way experienced the strength of their connection, she still keeps them apart because again, she is a homophobic little shit and for some reason seems to feel that her Midwestern upbringing justifies her bigotry.

Note: it does not.

Asher babbles some French stuff. The end result of all his title dropping is that Musette both speaks for Belle Morte and does Belle Morte's dirty work, not unlike Anita's position as Richard's bolverk.

Anita doesn't understand why they don't just retaliate against Musette (who she refers to as a "bad little vampire" gag) and thereby Belle Morte for this insult. Asher is appalled because that is simply "not done." I am leaning towards Anita's side on this matter, but I also think she's likely to fuck everything up by coming out guns blazing. Her track record in this regard is not good. For once I'd like to see her forced to play politician. That would be a lot more interesting than the constant cheap gun porn.

The woman in the car next to them stares at Asher, because the scarred side of his face is uncovered now that he's moved his hair back. "Americans are taught not to stare at anything that isn't perfect." I don't know why exactly but this statement gets on my nerves. There's some truth to it but then I can't help but think of the reality TV craze, or how that woman who has turned herself in to a Barbie Doll gets treated when she walks down the street (not kindly, in case it needed to be said).

So, Anita is supposed to be a vampire expert? Remember? Yet she keeps saying she doesn't get why they can't just attack Belle Morte, to the point where Asher says, "Mon Dieu do you not understand what it means that Belle is the mother of our line?" 

She says no she doesn't understand, and furthermore she needs an explanation. Vampire expert, people. Woman who has been a Master vampire's servant for at least two books now. But she doesn't understand why a soudre de sang is nigh god like to their bloodline?

Basically, Asher calls Anita an ignorant American who doesn't understand what it is to have a monarchy of sorts, or that it would therefore be treason to raise a hand against Belle Morte. He does it in a nice enough way to where Anita doesn't take it as an insult, but the idea of Asher dressing her down makes me happy so that's how I am going to interpret this bit.

Anita is all, if we don't stand against Belle Morte now she'll think we are weak and will be better motivated to take over in St Louis. Now that, I can get behind. Asher makes a pronouncement of certain doom. Wow, I sure hope they all get out of this alive. Just kidding, I still don't give a fuck about any of these people.

short update

Hey guys! I'll try to get back to Anita tonight, but I am on a roll with the next Twisted Tree book and that has to come first. Don't worry though, because I haven't forgotten teh snarkz.

<3 p="">

Sorry

I know I am behind on CS chapters guys, and I'm sorry. Without becoming Captain Overshare, I'll just tell you that my mental health/med situation is on very shaky ground at the moment. Things are improving but things need to settle down even more, which will probably take a couple of weeks. I hope I'll be able to post before that, though. When I'm in a bad state of mind I find the Internet a very triggering place, but I am halfway done with a chapter write up nonetheless. I just can't promise when exactly it will be posted. Thanks for your patience and I hope you keep reading.

Cerulean Sins Chapter Three

Thanks for the comments, everyone! I love comments.

Here's Dottie's break down.

Back to the grind.

Anita is teh best most practicalz animatorzzz because she carries her tools in a grey Nike gym bag, as opposed to something more elaborate. Wow, I can totally relate to her now!

Anita tells us that some people raise zombies for entertainment, like at parties and stuff. HOW THE FUCK IS THAT LEGAL? This is a crapsack world in a lot of ways but it's also been established as a world with a lot of legal rules around magical creatures and people. And given how Anita's job has been portrayed, well, it emphasizes that every single zombie is someone's loved one. If an animator is out there raising random zombies for a party, there should be watchdog groups chewing his ass out from under him. Because those aren't random zombies, they're husbands and mothers, daughters and sons.

Anita was trained to use an ointment in her animating. This is really interesting! The notion of witches using ointments (usually supposedly given to them by the devil) goes back a long ways and while Anita isn't a witch it still calls forth a nice historical echo. She apparently thinks rosemary (an ingredient back when she used to use ointments still) smells like a Christmas tree though, which...it doesn't.

Of course considering Anita never fucking eats so I guess I can't expect her to know anything about herbs. It occurs to me that Anita is the perfect Victorian heroine. Back then it was thought that if you had a healthy appetite for food you had a healthy appetite for sex, which of course was unacceptable for a lady. But sadly, in 2014 I don't want to read about a woman who won't eat a damn hamburger or ride a dick (insert genitalia of choice, heh, insert)  once in awhile. I want a heroine who, while she may be flawed, continues to rise above her petty nature. I want her to eventually admit that she likes sex (or doesn't, but Anita is portrayed as a sexual being) and food.

We get an attempt at world building, which is sort of like the last rattling breaths a person takes before they slip in to a coma.

It's too little too late, is what I'm saying.

Anyway so animators need blood, steel, and salt. Or that's all Anita needs anyway, since she's too special and powerful to need anything else.

Anita describes her hand as "tan" which throws me for a loop because she's supposed to be so white she's nigh translucent. Said hand is covered in little cuts, something to do with Marianne's teachings and blood debt. Marianne is a Wiccan and is teaching Anita to control her growing psychic powers. So:

1). Anita has a leopard beast inside her (heh)

2). Anita has a wolf beast waaaay down inside. (thanks for the assist, Robert Plant)

3). Anita is an animator.

4). Anita has vampire marks that give her a vast cornucopia of advantages and powers.

5). Anita is psychic.

6). Anita has the ardeur. 

IT SLICES, IT DICES. IT JULIENNES, IT MAKES A PERFECT BRUINOISE. IS THERE ANYTHING IT CAN'T DO?

Anyway, there's some nattering about how Marianne's Wiccan coven went batshit over Anita sacrificing animals. Points to Anita for at least trying to use her own blood instead after that, and she gives up on it for a good reason: she's too slow with her arm because the cuts hurt. In a fight that could spell disaster. Hooray one of the only logical things Anita has ever done!

Apparently Anita hasn't told Marianne this yet. Also right wing Christians hate Anita as well. Really?

1). Gun nut

2). Homophobic

3). Transphobic

4). Believes her religion and her interpretation of said religion is the only valid belief system

I mean, seems like she's doing a damn fine right wing impression to me.

There's a couple more cops here now, plus the judge in the insurance case, plus some bailiffs. Not every judge "will take zombie testimony." Well hang on, is it legal or not? Of course it might not be admissible in every case, but that's not the same thing as zombie testimony being totally invalid legally. Also what the hell, why wouldn't he? This world has always had zombies. By now you'd think people would know if they tend to be reasonably reliable or not.

The ms I am working on now has the same conceit, that magic has always been a part of the world. That is really freaking hard to write. You can't compare and contrast against a world similar to the real one, because there was never a time before people knew about fae and ghosts and vamps etc. Trying to pull it off while doing basically no planning or outlining makes for a very incoherent book.

ALSO, WHY ARE WE PAYING ATTENTION TO THIS WHEN THE WHOLE SET UP HAS BEEN ABOUT RAISING HARLAN'S ANCESTOR?

"I was glad Court T.V. hadn't gotten wind of it. It was just the kind of weird crap they liked to televise. You know--transexual's custody case, female teacher rapes thirteen-year-old boy student, pro-football player's murder trial." 

This is one of those Anita sentences that boggles the mind, where I don't even know how to start deconstructing it.

1). Anita thinks all of those intensely serious issues are weird.

Maybe that's all that needs to be said.

Anita cuts her finger and draws a circle with the blood, to keep the zombie she's about to raise contained. She does the rest of the ritual and honestly, it doesn't suck.

Mrs. Bennington screams at seeing her husband rise from the grave, as well she might. Anita is dressed inappropriately for her job and flashes everyone as she goes over to feed Mr. Bennington blood, thereby finishing the ritual.

"His hands felt like cold wax with sticks inside."

That sticks inside thing is never going to be scary. Sticks is not a scary word or image.

 Mr. Bennington died by accident. He was carrying a shotgun down the stairs, tripped, and shot himself. How the fuck is that possible? He shot himself with a 12 gauge in the chest, on accident? Are you serious?

Mr. and Mrs. Bennington have a sad goodbye session which actually does make my eyes sting a little. Anita finally decides that maybe she can cut Mrs. Benninngton a little slack, considering she's grieving. That didn't occur to you when you first showed up? God, I hate you.

Anita puts Mr. Bennington back in the grave. Asher turns up for some reason. Asher is a goddamn idiot for turning up in the midst of Anita doing her job, because every single person here, more or less, is packing heat and have now drawn on Asher. Oh and on Anita, because of course Anita is concerned for herself.

 `

Cerulean Sins Chapter Two

Dottie's chapter here

"Lindel cemetery was one of those new modern affairs, where all the headstones are low to the ground and you aren't allowed to plant flowers."

It's quite possible that places like this exist but I personally have never seen one, and I've been in more than a few graveyards in my life.

Anita calls this depressing, which it is, but then goes on about how it depresses her expressly because it's not Christian enough for her. She would prefer statues of Mary and angels and so forth. The thing is, she's never been presented as a sentimental person and in fact the author goes on and on about her practicality, so it seems odd that she's mourning the loss of traditional graveyard adornments. Not only that but her smug insistence that Christianity is the only valid religion is why I gave up on the series so many years ago.

Wait, hold on. I assumed we were here to raise Harlan's ancestor as all of that meandering set up would lead me to believe, but this is apparently a totally different animating job. O...kay, let's see where this goes.

This is for some kind of expensive insurance claim because the police ruled the death accidental. I don't get it. I am no insurance expert but I thought dying in an accident was a sure way to get paid out. If you commit suicide, most insurance companies won't pay on your life insurance. Oh hang on, I've puzzled out that it is the insurance company paying for this. That makes better sense.

Though, I am left wondering why animators don't work with the police as a matter of course. They should be like CSI or the medical examiner, supporting investigations. Because why wouldn't you just raise every single murder victim and ask them who the perpetrator is straight out? The author ought to give me some reason as to why this won't work. If it has been given, I certainly don't remember it.

There's a quick rundown of the drama between the family, the insurance company, and the police. Some of the people here have restraining orders against each other. There's a black and white and an unmarked police car. There's a fairly funny bit about Anita's new Jeep, and how it was tough to convince her insurance company that werehyenas tore apart the last car.

She thinks the insurance guy, Conroy, has "unadorned" eyes.

Conroy has a couple of huge dudes behind him but Anita is apparently a genius for realizing that they're bodyguards.

The bodyguards are called Rex and Balfour. Anita asks Rex if that's his real name. NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS. I HATE this question. NONE. OF. YOUR. BUSINESS. There's obviously a reason he doesn't use his legal name and Anita has no right to know that reason. They just met. One of the basic ways you can respect other people is by using the name they introduce themselves with. Really, it's not that hard.

Anita needles Balfour over having only one name, though I have no idea how she's drawn that conclusion. Most people introduce themselves by using only their first names, in the U.S. anyway. She deliberately needles him by comparing him to Madonna or Cher, because they too only use one name. What is this fuckface's problem? Is there a reason she's so snarky and invasive to people she just met? She basically dismisses them both as idiots just because they're muscled, too.

Mrs. Bennington is here, presumably the widow of the deceased. Anita doesn't like her and wanted her to stay home. What a shocker, a woman is here that Anita doesn't like. Anita is also emotionally tone deaf because she seems to think that the guy's widow will just agree to stay home. She has a right to be here.

Conroy and Mrs. Bennington have apparently been in a fist fight before, which I assume is why there are restraining orders flying around. The fact that Mrs. Bennington can handle herself in a fight makes me like her a lot more than I like Anita, but Anita is going to judge her for defending herself because Anita only thinks violence is okay when she's doing it.

Anita was apparently there for this confrontation but portraying that would be too interesting so we have to suffer through her recounting it instead.

Once again Anita tells us that if Bennington is raised and says he died by accident, the insurance company (Fidelis) has to pay up. If he says he killed himself, his widow gets nothing.

Soooo, how come zombies can't lie? I'd love some world building here to explain to me why Bennington's zombie can't just tell them he died in an accident even if it isn't true.

Mrs. Bennington is "not one of your liberated women. She liked being a wife and mother. I was glad for her, it meant more freedom for the rest of us."

And Anita is supposed to be a strong feminist character? There are young girls looking up to this walking travesty? My heart is trying to come right out of my chest at the very thought. If you think a woman shouldn't enjoy being a wife and mother, you are not a feminist. I'm just going to come out and say it. Feminism is in essence about women's choices and respecting those choices. It isn't about forcing women in to narrow 'acceptably' powerful type A jobs. (You'll also notice those 'empowered' jobs and roles are usually conventionally masculine. Feminism, that is not). Of course Anita doesn't need to be an expert on gender studies or feminist literature but this is so bad it's swirling around the plumbing in a gastrointestinal clinic.

Not to mention Anita is not more free than Mrs. Bennington. Mrs. Bennington is probably more empowered and secure in herself than Anita is. Anita can't even accept that she likes fucking more than one dude at a time. How empowered is that? Anita isn't in control of her sexuality, her magic, her mind, or her relationships. Everything she does has the veneer of control but in reality her attempts to abusively manipulate everyone around her comes from a fractured personality and deeply felt insecurity.

There's a rookie cop here, pretty much so Anita can feel superior to him. Another cop is trying to convince Mrs. Bennington that Anita can't make the zombie lie. Well, I wouldn't believe Anita either. Anita thinks that the dead don't lie, but gives no justification for why that might be.

Mrs. Bennington is wearing heels, which means she's an icky laaaaady and her character will be assassinated for as long as she's on screen. Anita makes a weird comment about the cop in her way being five nine and therefore short for a man, even though that's an average height.

The cop and Mrs. Bennington have a bit of an altercation but it fizzles before any blows are exchanged.

"If she'd been my wife I'd have shot myself too."

Well then you're a fucking asshole, random cop, because you have no idea what this woman is like when she isn't grieving and sure she's about to get fucked over by highly unethical dealings.

The officer introduces himself as Officer Nicols and Anita calls Mrs. Bennington a "crazy bitch" behind her back. Why do you hate women, Anita? This little commiserating circle jerk is truly disgusting, as Officer Nicols and Anita grasp each other's dicks firmly and stroke about Mrs. Bennington being one of those horrible unreasonable female creatures.

There is seriously a few pages devoted to this.

Even Nicols, who we've just met, has to wax eloquent about how most cops would rather have Anita as back up instead of another uniform. Does LKH truly think this is effective? I mean she must, considering how often this happens. But because Anita is so horrible it just makes me burst out laughing instead of whatever sort of hero worship LKH is hoping to inspire in me. I find it pretty disturbing that LKH doesn't seem to understand that actions are what's important.

Nicols and Anita make some shitty comments about Zebrowski and how he managed to nab a wife so out of league. Just because he can't dress himself? I think how one presents one's self is very important. Soft skills are an absolute necessity, including properly fitting, coordinated clothing. But only in a shit novel could something like not knowing how to dress yourself be a character's defining characteristic. Every time Zebrowski has been on screen he's been a very nice person. Why wouldn't his wife want him? Just because he can't coordinate his tie with his shirt?

Anita goes to get her zombie raising tools, including a giant machete because reasons.

Cerulean Sins Chapter One

Dottie's chapter here

So there's a rumor out there (or maybe there's a source for it, I'm not sure) that the title Cerulean Sins was meant to refer to a sex shop J.C.owned. I believe they specifically peddled porno. But this was deemed too suggestive, so they changed it in pre publication.

I cannot believe I just typed those words. Seriously, I have the fucking vapors.

So I used to be a massive CSI: Las Vegas fan (until they dicked me over ship wise, but that's another rant) and there was an episode that depicted a woman enjoying sex. They slapped a warning on that. This was a show that showed rape, torture, child molestation, and many other highly distasteful crimes on a weekly basis. Once? They found a man's body shoved in to the back of an arcade game. But a woman on top, riding that cock like she owns it?

So already I loathe this book because anyone who can read the Micah rape scene without blinking an eye yet gets their granny panties in a twist over a porn shop can ahem, go suck eggs.

You know, I wonder if the people involved in these books just hate their jobs? Like, what is the hell of trying to edit this shit? Every night people have to go home, look in the mirror, and justify this trash. Does it even cause a blip on their internal radar? I mean, trash novels have their place I guess. It's not like The Castle of Ontranto or The Monk were stunning works of tasteful genius, yet they were amazingly influential. But I mean, aren't we trying to strive for more now? Maybe a novel shouldn't be able to depict a rape and then tell me it's love with absolutely no arguments to the contrary. No strike that. A novel can tell me anything it wants. But I sure as shit don't have to believe it.

"It was early September, a busy time of year for raising the dead. The pre-Halloween rush seemed to start earlier and earlier every year. Every animator at Animators Inc. was booked solid. I was no exception; in fact, I'd been offered more work than even my ability to go without sleep could supply." 

At first that seems like a moderately strong opener. We know Anita is an animator right off the bat, and that animating involves raising the dead. We know that raising the dead is a business, something a person can get for a fee. Granted, this is book what? Eleven? So we know all this by now, but still it is nice to be reminded, if only to get us back in to the groove of the story.

It's also nice to see Anita actually doing her job (okay so she's sitting in her office, but you get what I mean), which raises (heh) the question of how long the events of NiC were supposed to take. I don't think she went to work once during that whole ordeal. What kind of job just lets you take a couple of weeks off to sex your boyfriends? Because let's be real, most of that book involved sex.

This falls apart for me though because it's already fairly passive for a character like Anita ("seemed") and the last sentence is a total wtf. The ability to go without sleep isn't supplying the work, it's supposedly making it so Anita can take on a bit more work than the average animator.

 But the thing that really makes this bullshit is, how in holy hell does this woman do nothing but fuck and yet have the ability to function on little sleep? Not to mention she has a whole three ring circus of powers and beasts and marks and servants to power. Where is the energy coming from? It stands to reason in my mind that magic has to take some toll on the body and mind. Even if she's feeding from Nate and Micah in order to sate the ardeur, she has tons of other powers and shit to account for still.

The thing is, the average human works in a basic way on the concept of calories in/calories out. Now there are factors that can complicate this process, but unless there's something unusual going on with you this is more or less how it works. Anita expends calories when she has sex or, presumably, does magic. Should she not replenish those calories in an adequate way, she will become dangerously underweight and acquire all the associated health problems with extreme weight loss (or gain, but she also NEVER EATS so I doubt that's a problem, though one wonders what's keeping her massive globular tits filled out. It's not like there's just funfetti and glitter packed in to those things) She won't be able to complete physical tasks. Her mental acuity will suffer. Her sleep will be shit and she'll be more prone to injury. All BAD THINGS if you happen to be an action girl like she supposedly is.

In the same way she needs to eat, she needs to sleep in order to maintain her health. Sleep hygiene is very important to one's mental health and general well being. Constantly going without by the way? It not only hurts her, makes her shitty at her job and more prone to injury because she won't recover from exertion as well or as fast, it hurts the people bound to her. That's an ever increasing number, too. So not only does Anita not understand the basics of health when she has a very physical existence and is supposedly a fitness nut, she also doesn't care to learn even though her stable of boyfriends could die if she doesn't feed them through their magical ties.

Anita is a shit head, is what I'm saying.

"Mr. Leo Harlan should have been grateful to get an appointment. He didn't look grateful. Truthfully, he didn't have the look of anything."

There's a long couple of paragraphs that amounts to Harlan being nondescript, which is sort of funny considering she just described him anyway. I go back and forth on whether I think this is effective. On the one hand opening with something boring is a gamble. On the other it establishes him as suspicious in the eyes of the reader (or in my eyes anyway). So I guess that's an individual call.

"I took a sip from my coffee mug with the motto, "if you slip me decaf, I'll rip your head off."

Even this woman's coffee mug is aggressive. Gee, I thought those mugs usually had a little funny sayings on them.

Anita tells me some boring as shit anecdotes about how her boss brought in decaf once and everyone was just so tired, isn't that hilarious, my name is Anita and I am desperately trying to convince you that I have friends and am liked by my coworkers.

Honey, it is too little too late.

Harlan wants Anita to raise his "ancestor." Anita doesn't believe him for some reason, despite this being exactly the sort of job Animators Inc. must get all the time. Imagine you went to a Starbucks and were all, I'll have the pumpkin spice latte please and the barista was all I don't believe that's what you really want.

Anita gives us the scar rundown. Cross burns (uh, when did she become a vampire?), knife marks, shapeshifter claws....LKH does realize that scars like that aren't just cosmetic, right? I mean, they require physical therapy and surgery so you don't lose your ability to move your limbs.

"I smiled when I said it, pleasant, but the smile didn't reach my eyes."

I will admit something as a writer. In my past especially I LOVED TALKING ABOUT EYES. Every rp character I made ALSO had weird eyes, often for no reason. I get it. Eyes are a thing. But dear god I do not want to slog through another book about Anita's badass cold sociopath hard darkity dark eyes. Just...no.

She thinks he might have a gun but it's okay because she has one too. Jesus woman, he's asking you to do the very job you are hired to do. It's fine to be a little suspicious but you're already anticipating a gun fight in the office? What the fuck is wrong with you?

"People don't like dealing with people who raise the dead. Don't ask me why, but we make them nervous."

I can't imagine.

She asks what Harlan does for a living. None of your business, Anita. She's hyper focused on whether Harlan has a gun. If he does he probably has a concealed carry permit just like you do. Why is that so weird? You live in goddamn America. Even grandma has a gun. Seriously.

The only thing I can conclude is that Anita actually has PTSD thanks to Micah raping her, so now she's hyper vigilant at inappropriate times. But see, I'd actually want to read that novel.

Harlan doesn't want to tell Anita where he works--which is completely reasonable, Anita has no right to that information--and Anita tells him she won't take his case otherwise. I'm also not sure why Harlan's place of employment and whether he has a gun are related. If he's a criminal or something he's not going to just tell her. Well maybe he will, because logic is not a thing in this series.

So far Anita is her old self. By that I mean she is an unreasonable, aggressive, hateful, prying asshole.

Somehow this conversation turns in to them both moving as if to draw weapons. What is even happening here? This makes no sense. That should be the tag line for these books. "Anita Blake: This Makes No Sense."

"Into that heavy, heavy tension..."

This isn't going to get any better, is it?

Harlan reveals that he's a hit man, but honest he's really here to get his ancestor raised. Telling random people you're a contract killer is bad for business. Especially half cocked jerk offs like Anita Blake, who happens to work with the police. Though maybe he knows she doesn't have any principles or ethics, so what does it matter?

Harlan licks Anita's balls about how Anita is so amazing to have noticed the gun down the front of his jacket, though that doesn't strike me as a particularly inconspicuous place for a firearm.

"What do you really want, Mr. Harlan, if that is your real name?"

She pulled that out of her ass completely seriously.

Harlan says he lies a lot, but he isn't lying now. Anita gives him some bullshit about how lying all the time must be hard, as if she herself doesn't do it on the regular.

Harlan wants a two hundred year old corpse raised, which supposedly is only possible with human sacrifice. LKH tries to trick me in to believing that Anita has standards because Anita won't do human sacrifice. Well pardon me but when an amoral rapist abuser tells me she has standards it rings just an eensy bit hollow.

Now Anita wants to know why Harlan wants this particular ancestor raised. This I find a little more reasonable, at least.

Harlan wants to raise his ancestor because when the ancestor left the family's home country, he gave a fake name. Harlan can't trace his family tree past a certain point thereby. Now this interests me very much. You could get in to some very complex and interesting race, ethnicity, and country of origin shit with this. Too bad we won't be reading that book. Instead we will certainly read about Anita biting Nate's dick off or something instead.

Anita offers to fit his appointment in some time next week and he makes a sly deal out of how she doesn't work on the night of the full moon anymore. I am sure this is some bullshit about her being a wereleopard, but I am not sure why it's still an issue since the bullshit epilouge from NiC already told me she didn't shift.

Also making underhanded comments about whether the woman you just hired is a shapeshifter is a good way to get thrown out on your ass in this world. It's not like Anita needs Harlan's money.

Anita gives us an internal recap about how she's the Bolverk for Richard's pack and the first human Nimir-Ra to the leopards. I don't mind that Anita is human and yet a wereleopard leader per se, because I think urban fantasy is essentially a fish out of water genre in its way. The hero never fits in perfectly anywhere. They're always outsiders. But the set up in this world is gross to me and perhaps worse than that nonsensical, because Anita being Nimir-Ra is predicated on a bunch of people who TURN IN TO LEOPARDS being weak plates of wobbly Jello cubes for no good goddamn reason.

Anita refers to Richard as her honey-bun. Eeeergh.

"I met his dead eyes with my own."

No amount of meandering about Anita's true gothic darkity dark sociopath soul is going to convince me that she's a badass. She would have to act in a badass manner for that to happen.

"Sometimes you deal with the devil not because you want to, but because if you don't, someone else will."

Another not shitty line. Bless her, she's trying so hard.

Narcissus in Chains Epilogue

I've been putting this one off long enough. I broke my mouse so I can't change the color on the quotes. Sorry.

Here's a big list of all the things LKH is not writer enough to tackle in the main body of her work:

1). "Richard did make me his Bolverk."

Reasons why this shouldn't be shunted off to the side: It was presented as a dramatic moment, one Richard struggled with because of his principles. Whether a Bolverk is a necessary part of a successful pack could be the main plot point for the novel even, with events making a case for or against as the story unfolds. Given all the fucking whining Anita does about her supposed sociopathy it could have been a questionable position for her as well, forcing her to evaluate whether her growing ruthlessness is appropriate. Instead the bulk of Anita's attention in regards to this issue goes to the fact that she and Richard are no longer together romantically.

Anita's first act as Bolverk is to execute Jacob. Why? He was already punished. To show how practical Anita supposedly is, I guess. She wanted to kill Paris too, the werewolf who wanted to be Richard's lupa. She has even less justification for this. Paris' only crime is being a social climber and who could blame her, with how cuthroat the pack is? A smart person would either try to lay as low as possible, or try to seize power so they can rewrite the rules to favor their own actions. Anita is a nasty piece of work, basically, and not in a way that makes me want to read about her.

2). "I did not turn furry with the full moon."

Of course not. That would be interesting. It's another plot thread introduced in the novel that goes nowhere, by the way. It shocks me that LKH thinks this kind of quick and dirty clean up is acceptable writing. I don't even entirely blame her. Where are her editors? Her agent? The publisher? It's a sad state of affairs when they keep turning out this crap because they know that no matter how bad it is, it will sell and make them money. Hell, I'm part of the problem because I have to buy these pieces of trash to review them, seeing as how my eyes are too bad for a lot of print books (which I could get from the library for free).

Apparently Anita is so much like a vampire that she now has an animal to call, leopards. Then why does she have a beast?

3). Anita is chairman of the newly formed shapeshifter coalition, despite not being a shapeshifter. Why? It makes me crazy how there are just WAY WAY too many shapeshifters in St. Louis (seriously, all these predators in one space?) yet there isn't one among them worthy of leadership? I have asked this throughout the whole novel but I'll ask it once more: why are people who can turn in to pony sized leopards, hyenas, tigers etc so completely incompetent? Of course physical size and strength doesn't equate to mental toughness across the board, but surely some of the independence and ferocity commonly associated with, say, jungle cats should have rubbed off on these people? At least to the point where their own fucking coalition doesn't need to be ruled by a short sighted outsider.

4). Anita is dating both Micah and J.C. Oh thank god, I was so worried about whether she would keep dating them both.

5). They rescued Joseph the lion who is mostly a plot device both LKH and the reader forgot about for most of the book. His wife is still pregnant. Anita informs us that Narcissus is a hermaphrodite, pregnant, and that she isn't sure he should be breeding, all in one block of horribly twisted text.

5a). My relationship to the word hermaphrodite is that well, I happen to like it. It's hard to find a word that means a synthesis of male and female plus a spiritual component. However, what Anita is describing is more properly called intersex, first off. Secondly, Anita is not trans, intersex, or genderqueer. So in her case especially, she should be defaulting to less controversial terms to describe someone else. You are allowed to self define however you want, yes, even if it's not in a politically correct way. You are not allowed to define other people, especially through the use of in group language that doesn't in any way belong to you, Anita.

5b). Anita isn't sure he should be breeding? Why? What has Narcissus done to earn Anita's ire? So far his only 'crimes' are that he likes BDSM, is queer, and is intersex. What am I saying, that's more than enough for Princess GOP to think he shouldn't be breeding.

This constant LGBT phobia is killing me inside.

6). Both the cobras are dead. I don't care about them so whatever.

7). Nate is apparently Anita's pomme de sang now but don't worry, they're not having "intercourse." Anita is just using him to feed her demon sex magic BUT IT'S NOT SEX.

8). Musette, one of Belle Morte's inner circle, wants to come visit. Oh ho hello 'plot' of Cerulean Dreams.

9). Ronnie is an unreasonable bitch for questioning Anita's highly questionable lifestyle, so she's in the doghouse. Yes, how dare anyone question the fact that someone who is supposed to be a vampire executioner happens to be fucking the most powerful vampire in the city? It can't possibly be a conflict of interests. Oh no. It's that Ronnie is a jealous prude. Hypocrisy, thy name is Anita Blake.

10). More whining about how Richard won't accept himself. Don't we just HATE him you guys? I mean LKH clearly wants us to. I think this has become one of the most tiresome things about the books for me. Why can't she just admit that she's failed at telling a story? That her protagonist is in no way likable and that makes her constant bitching about Richard really unpleasant? Richard is the only one who thinks maybe you shouldn't torture and kill everyone who dares disagree with you, and I'm supposed to think he's a weak willed wimp with a self loathing complex.

11). Micah and J.C. and Anita are all ruthless and teh hawt and they have teh hawt sexxors with each other.

"Life really is good, even if you're dead."

Another good line. It's a little like finding a nice plump blueberry in a cake made of shit though. It doesn't make up for the shit, is what I'm saying.