I am not dead

I think before I start the post itself I should point out that this blog is not a safe space. While I do everything I can to avoid outright offending anyone, my personal narrative is not going to speak to everyone. When I talk about trans issues, for example, I can only talk about my story. There are many, many ways to be trans. This is mine.

I am over death imagery in trans stories. 

These are usually written by people who are not trans, but cisgender. The tales of death and grief almost always belong to partners and family. I want to respect their feelings because they do matter. This journey isn't just about us, the trans people, but also about the people who love us.

However. I am not dying. I do not have fucking cancer. Being transgender is not an illness and certainly not a terminal one.

I am not dying, but transforming. If I could tell my family anything, it would be that the girl I was raised to be does exist in some form. I am not killing her. I am turning in to something new, something better. I don't know what that is yet, and that's okay. I don't need to label every stage of this weird and wonderful trip.

I am still me. I'm not a corpse or a murderer. I'm a goddamn butterfly. 

Interview

Hello friends.

In the next few days I will be appearing on Writing the Other, like some sort of poorly evolved coffee powered pokemon.

Hopefully my interview won't be like this, though I frequently feel this way when writing.

Oh yeah. Go here to get the book. Right now it's e-book only, but we're working on the print formatting right now so stay tuned if you want to touch and smell all those delicious pages, you Luddite.

I'm just teasing. How can you argue with "A combination of grassy notes with a tang of acids and a hint of vanilla over an underlying mustiness..." ?

Still, if you prefer the special smell of your Kindle or other reading device, there's an app for that!

Thanks for reading.

Book Release

Okay guys. My book will be available in e-book format on the first of August. 


You can find my Goodreads profile here 


The blurb: 


Ashrinn Pinecroft has spent a lifetime trying to forget his mixed family’s expulsion from his native Iran, so much so that he finds himself halfway across the world, having made a career out of the American elite anti-terrorist unit, Delta Force. 

When a sniper’s bullet and a worsening mental illness cut that career short, Ashrinn will do anything to feel useful.

Even believe in magic. 

The Zoroastrian myths his mother entertained him with as a child have found new, twisted life in the streets of Seattle, and he has a central role to play whether he likes it or not. Ashrinn must use his newfound divine powers to save the Pacific Northwest from an evil snake handling cult, a cult hell bent on sacrificing him to their demon god. 

With a group of ragtag comrades including a half crazy werewolf, a psychic sniper, and his equally blessed best friend and former Delta teammate at his side, Ashrinn will do everything he can to combat the corruption eating away at his new home.

Yet sometimes, the greatest horror imaginable and the things held most dear are one and the same, and corruption is not so easily spotted when it hits close to home.


This book can be read as a stand alone title, but it is a companion work to The Wicked Instead by Vivien Weaver. Both books are available through the Hard Limits Press website. Hard Limits is also taking submissions. 

ARCs are still available in all major e-book formats. Print ARCs to follow shortly after the e-book release. Thank you for reading! 

Lest you think I do not in my heart love the hell out of Bioware:

"Consider yourself reinstated, Commander."

Dear Bioware

When I started this blog I wanted it to be a mash up of all the things I like. I didn't want it to be one of those places that dispenses the same tired writing advice every day because the owner read somewhere that YOU MUST POST EVERY DAY TO SELL TEH BOOKZ. So I talk about food and gaming and politics and all that, as well as writing. In that spirit:

Dear Bioware. Stop jerking me the fuck around.

I recently started Mass Effect 2 and I played the hell out of both Dragon Age games. I will try not to write a freaking novel on these subjects though rest assured, I totally could. What inspires this post is the absolute gay romance fail currently polluting nearly every Bioware title, with the possible exception of DA2, if you happen to play a male Hawke. (in my opinion the lesbian options are AWFUL)

A friend and I recently got in to a huge discussion about Mass Effect and its many flaws along these lines. I honestly dropped Mass Effect 1 like it was dangerously radioactive when I ran in to Liara, a concept I hate with the fire of a thousand fiery suns. It's a thing I run in to in Mass Effect 2 as well, the whole haha aren't we clever including this reference but in reality they just end up looking like douchebags. See the NPC conversation that takes place when you meet Liara again in ME2, where a turian and a quarian are conversing nearby and he is clearly getting friend zoned. HAHA. Except the friend zone is kind of inherently a shitty concept intended to shame and punish women who don't put out even though OMG YOU SPENT SO MUCH TIME ON THEM.

But this rant is more about gay male romance in Mass Effect. Yes, I'm afraid I'm joining the fray on this one. I'll leave the stupid ass ableism and ridiculous ME3 rumors for later, though I will say it's another ZOMG WE R SO FUNNEH fail.

Here's the thing. I am sick and fucking tired of giving Bioware money only to be told gay options are going to be included later. SWTOR? No gay romance at launch, but they assure us that it is coming in an expansion. ME1? Liara is NOT a gay option. She is not even a good portrayal of a differently gendered society. She is a blatant fanservice chicks r hawt together vehicle with a thin coat of blue alien paint. So aside from whatever feeble attempt she is, there's NO gay male option in ME1.

ME2? Nope. Shit out of luck again. Jacob's abs will only be exposed for the ladies. Garrus will only put his adorably awkward moves on FemShep, and so on.

But the mention of Garrus brings me to my central point, which is: Bioware is saying that interspecies romance is more acceptable than a gay one. Don't get me wrong. I love it when aliens and humans can get together because there's so much wonderful territory to navigate as far as, hmm, how do we do this exactly? What are your cultural values versus mine? What actions and words show love and affection and why? For example, Babylon 5 had some killer scenes of this variety.

And I love Garrus. And Thane. But no one bats an eye at you crawling all over this guy. Or this one. By the way it is mentioned by the ship's doctor that you and Garrus approach incompatibly ahem, size wise, and that you are actually allergic to Thane to the point where prolonged contact makes you break out in hives.

So, snake man you are allergic to who blinks sideways and has exposed gills? AWESOME. Gay guys? EW GROSS. Even though this is SPACE and the FUTURE but apparently we're all such homophobic dickbags we can't possibly envision a society in which gay hate does not exist.

I visited the SWTOR forums recently (my first mistake) to get some more info about gay male romance in THAT game, and someone said something along the lines of them thinking romance should be optional because "a lot of kids play this game" and "I don't even want to see same sex options, even if I don't take them."

To think that Bioware would pander to this kind of homophobic asshole burns me, especially since he's holding up the poor delicate children argument. And yes, that is absolutely homophobic, that attitude. The whole I don't even want to look at it, even if it doesn't impact me in any way mentality. The whole children will somehow be forever damaged by seeing people in love kiss each other hate mongering nonsense.

Here's a hint, Bioware. The controversy helps you sell games. Take a risk. You did so well, in my opinion, with Fenris and Anders in DA2. (Zevran is the worst character ever and I don't even want to talk about it) I know you can do it. Stop jerking me around. It feels like you're just asking me to open my big queer wallet on the faint HOPE that I might one day see the kind of romance I want, without delivering shit that's tangible. It feels exploitative and I hope to god you fix this in Mass Effect 3 and you get off your asses and incorporate it in to SWTOR, or my love affair with you (a love affair which has been deep and layered and abiding) will finally start to cool off and die.

Privilege through an MMO lens

Someone asked me recently what I thought about this.


As often as I have strong opinions about things, about as often I find that there's no one true answer to an issue. Don't expect me to have a definitive opinion on this one, a little knot at the end of this that puts everything in a neat bow. But I will give you my thoughts.

There are a lot of things that come up in online discussions almost exclusively that are at once both legitimate and weaponized. One of these is privilege. Another great example is the tone argument.

The tone argument is when someone objects to what you have to say primarily because of how it was said. It isn't about the content of the argument so much as the argument's delivery. It is often and without question used to silence the justified pain and anger that minority groups often experience when we/they come up against the privileged majority. I've had it done to me and it's devastating. It's erasure and very, very aggressive. It left me hurting for days and a friendship in ruins, the last time it happened.

On the other hand, though, sometimes people with an agenda misuse the crap out of this one. Is it understandable that I am pissed off by, say, the CONSTANT gender stereotyping I am immersed in every day? Yep. Is it reasonable for me to demand that the cis people around me make room for me, and to demand that passionately and assertively? Hell yeah. But to use that as an excuse for abusive words and behavior against all representatives of those who have hurt me is NOT OKAY. I don't care who you are or what your status is. Bullying is never okay no matter how justified the underlying anger. As a disabled person do I have a right to demand that places be accessible to me? YES. Do I have to do it with a smile, and take my measly handouts, and say thank you sir may I have another for the condescending pats on the head from able people? FUCK NO. And I do not and will not soften my stance for the tender feelings of those who simply cannot and will not conceptualize unfairness. No one should dismiss an argument simply because they don't want to hear that they're being offensive and hurtful.


What I will not do, however, is be the guy that goes around to places in his town looking for the smallest violation so he can raise an unholy stink about each and every one of them. I won't find the most vitriolic words I can in order to tear someone apart, and then when they finally break under all that poison, mock them for doing so. I won't use my anger over how women are treated as an excuse to mock and dismiss male victims. I won't deride, mock, attack or harm anyone, with words or otherwise, because they are not like me or do not understand me.

And I'll say that even when I let myself slip and unloaded on someone being offensive recently, it only diminished me and justified her position. She walked away thinking, see, look at that angry trans person I was so right about them. And I walked away feeling uh, less than Christ like. (I kid, I kid) It didn't matter that my rage was justified. (It totally was)

So, one issue, more than one way of using it.

It's the same with privilege. I think privilege is a very valid concept. But have I seen it used as a weapon? Absolutely. You simply cannot whip it out like a blade all the while saying, but you're not bad for having privilege by the way. But here you go, have a knife in your guts for being born with a penis, or white, or able, etc.

I think one of the greatest problems we have teaching privileged folk about that divide is the following cognitive dissonance:

1.) I want you to understand my struggles and humanize me instead of subjecting me to constant Othering and devaluing.

2.) BUT YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND MY EXPERIENCE SO SHUT UP.

Ok well, which is it? Do I want people to grasp, oh, my experience as a mentally ill person? Or do I want them to respect the Do Not Touch sign? Do I believe a cis person can write a great book about a trans character, or should cis people be scolded for even attempting it?

(for the sake of the record I absolutely believe we can write well about people who are different from us. I want people to try and write about the things that I am. That can be a great vehicle for empathy. We can't say we want us all to come together like a happy family and yet keep these divides)

But here's the other side of privilege. For every person like the guy who sent me that article, who is smart and open to the idea of learning, there are ten assholes who don't care and won't listen. Every day people of color, trans people, women, LGB people, etc etc encounter a bunch of unfeeling ignorant dicks who will go out of their way to say dismissive stupid things. It's hard for the white guy who is smart and sensitive to remember that he isn't in great company. I don't know what to do about those people, the ones who are ignorant and totally fine with being so. Those are people who haven't even begun to understand privilege itself, let alone why the term might be problematic. I think my best answer is to ignore them as obsolete. We have to change the minds of those who are persuadable while making those who are not less and less able to influence us adversely.

One other thing I want to address about this article is the whole "I'm not privileged, I work for a living" argument. Now most of you know I play MMOs. One of the features of MMOs and a lot of RPGs in general is the idea of a passive skill or ability.

For example, in World of Warcraft, humans have a racial ability that gets them more reputation points than other races. The player does not have to do anything active to get this bonus. No button clicking, no little dance, no nothing. It is on and working at full power no matter what the character/player does or does not do. Privilege is like that. Take white privilege: it's a bonus that's always running in the background. That's it. It doesn't matter if you work hard or not, if you get out of bed every morning, if you're nice to your pets. It just is. To me it's not having privilege that matters. It's what you do with it. I bet there are a lot of white people and men and so on out there who feel attacked by the privilege concept, but to you I say privilege can give you a different and special kind of power, and that is the power to change minds.

You remember when I said up there that for every smart, sensitive white male there are ten white guys who embody the worst stereotypes and don't understand or care that their privilege might hurt others? That is your power sensitive white guys. The ability to change the minds of other white guys. (this applies to all these kinds of situations, cis/trans, ab;e/disabled whatever) Educate yourself and educate the people like you, because the fact still is that the same argument coming from a woman isn't going to hold the same weight. You're on the inside and you can fight for us in a unique and very powerful way as long as you can recognize that privilege buff that you never have to refresh.

ETA: By the way I didn't read the comments on that article so this isn't in response to any discussions that might be going on there.

Review of Shell Shocked

Shell Shocked by Angelia Sparrow

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


Thank goodness for an inspirational romance that is not Christian. It's refreshing to see a tale that relies on the power of Pagan spirituality for once.

The romance was overall gripping. I loved both characters. I know it's a cliche to say this, but I couldn't put it down. Both Gabe and Sean were well written and likable (for the most part, but I'll get to that later). Even the whirlwind aspect of their love didn't seem forced or cheap. I could easily see why they would bond that quickly.

Part of their connection with one another is that they are both disabled. I have to give major kudos to the author for choosing disabilities that are hard to sexify. That is, there is a tendency for people to give their characters only the aspects of a particular problem that seem attractive (dark, brooding, just enough of a guilty past to be interesting but not enough to actually make the love interest question their decision as to whether they should be with this person) and to gloss over the rest. Not here. Gabe had both legs amputated and Sean has a nasty case of PTSD, plus bad knees and other physical complaints. I am so happy to see a book with disabled main characters having a sexual relationship, I can't even tell you.

Now, here are some of the things I found disappointing. Sean always being on top is a thing that's brought up in the book more than once. Basically, he's reluctant to be penetrated because of lingering issues with his sexuality and the fear of the unknown. A lot of build up is put in to whether Gabe will ever top. Then that moment comes...and the author doesn't show it! How insanely frustrating.

Phone sex is just as awkward on the page as it is in real life. Seriously.

At one point, Sean and Gabe get in a huge fight. Words are said. You know the kind. Words. One example: Gabe is not the character's legal name. It's one he chose himself. Sean happens to know Gabe's legal name and he busts it out in the most invalidating way possible. As someone who also chose their name, man, did that sting. Marriages have ended for less. And yet, there doesn't seem to be as much fallout from this fight as I would have expected. It's a verbally abusive altercation, and since whether or not Sean is abusing Gabe comes up a couple of times, I thought this should have been handled with more detail.

Overall, a great read. I very much enjoyed it.



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