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Friday, June 26, 2015

Cerulean Sins Chapter Twenty Seven

Some of the GIFs in this post come from Incorrect Dragon Age, which is amazingly hilarious if you're a Bioware fan

"I entered the kitchen and found the phone on the hook..."

1) it's what, 2006 in this book and she still has a wired line?

2) As opposed to what? Where else would one find the phone when not in use? Oh, is this because Zebrowski called and despite it being a million years between then and now she's so arrogant she still expects his poor ass to be waiting patiently on the other end? It's that one, isn't it? That's the answer.

Caleb is here.

"Caleb was my least favorite of the new leopards..."

Finally, something Anita and I can agree on. Because if Caleb got through a single sentence in my presence his ass would be on a one way trip to the pound, no questions asked. Caleb is ten pounds of testicles in a five pound bag, tied closed with a hellish chauvanistic ribbon. But it says TWINK on the bag in block letters so we're supposed to forgive the contents because he's cute and doesn't wear a shirt.

Anita is a total hypocrite, if a poorly piloted skinsuit can be said to have personality traits. Also in Caleb's defense (shudder) Jason is exactly the same kind of creep, but he gets a pass because he gives Anita the D.

I need to know that Caleb has new nipple piercings and likes to walk around with the top button on his jeans unbuttoned. I love how everyone in this series is a fourth tier reject for Cabaret's chorus line.

Caleb also enjoys toying with his nipple rings at the slightest provocation and is all around the kind of guy that probably eats from a trough.

Anita is a badass investigator because when he hands her a piece of note paper, she recognizes it as the paper she keeps by the phone.


Anita doesn't recognize the writing, so it's probably Caleb's. Thanks for clarifying that. I wouldn't have realized, despite Caleb telling you he's there to take notes.

There's a message from Zebrowski, telling Anita that Dolph is out of the office for two weeks. I love that Anita is such an unrepentant narcissist that she's still faintly confused about why someone wouldn't want to wait patiently on the phone for her for like four goddamn hours or how long its been now.

You know, at least Caleb is actually being portrayed as a creep. Because he is one. He is the prototypical creep from which all other creeps derive. But I can't enjoy it because he behaves exactly the same as everyone else. The only difference is that LKH has designated him as perpetually up to no good--like colluding with Chimera, the big bad from NiC--so I am supposed to feel as though his sexual harrassment and general gross slimy squidgy existence is somehow naughty bad wrong, even as Anita and Co blithely go around committing sexual assault like they have a speciality business in it. I guess Professional Rapist wouldn't fit on a standard business card so she had to settle for Animator instead.

Micah sent Caleb to watch over Anita today, despite Caleb missing Chimera. This is how Anita describes Chimera, by the way:

"...Chimera had been a sexual sadist, a serial killer, and an all around very bad man." 

Caleb has also pierced his dick. We know this because Merle threatened to cut them all out if he didn't behave and go everywhere with Anita. Caleb has no idea why he's been assigned to do this. Anita thinks it's so she'll have someone to feed off of if the ardeur rises. Apparently Caleb's informed consent doesn't cross anyone's mind.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Cerulean Sins Chapter Twenty Six

"I got dressed. I couldn't remember if I'd gotten around to using shampoo on my hair, or only gotten it wet, and I didn't care."

Truly, Anita is traumatized.

Richard cut his hair and because of this I have to endure several descriptions of his beautiful copper gold rose amazeaballs hair that spills and spills and spills, and how his body used to go in to Anita's body and his hair was like extra amazing then.

Anita gets dressed.Someone knocks on her door, and despite Richard being on the edge of death she's worried that it's him. Whatever. Nathaniel comes in instead. Anita obsesses over finding her gun belt, because she can't put her shoulder holster on without it. The way she treats guns as if they're stuffed animals really freaks me out. What kind of shitsack do you have to be to treat deadly weapons in this fashion?

Anita is super sad, you guys, so sad that she didn't use shampoo or conditioner!

Even Nathaniel has had enough of Anita's shit. She tells him not to be nice to her or she'll cry, and he asks her if she'd rather he was cruel.

She basically admits that she doesn't see Nathaniel as a person but merely as a temporary pomme de sang, who can be discarded as soon as she doesn't need to feed from him anymore. I am apparently supposed to believe that Anita is having some sort of revelation about this, but since LKH is literally incapable of writing character growth I have no hope that this will morph in to something relatable.

Nate's hair gives this whole thing a weird Disney princess vibe, since those are the only people with ankle-length hair that can still make it look good at all times.

Anita is extra mad at Richard because he always comes up with new ways to make her sad. Remember this is the man that was just carried in near death. But no, it must be a cleverly orchestrated plot to make Ania feel bad!

"I opened my eyes and found Nathaniel close enough to touch. I stared into those compassionate lilac eyes, that soft, caring face, and I hated him. I don't know why. But I hated him just a little. I hated him for not being someone else. I hated him for the hair that fell to his knees. I hated him because I didn't love him. Or maybe I hated him because I did."

Here's the thing that occurred to me the other day when I was thinking about this wretched series: there are so many relationships and so much sex, and even so I never get the sense that any of these people like each other, let alone love one another. It's just so joyless. There's nothing about how they all work together to make their collective burdens lighter, or compersion. All of Anita's lovers want a piece of her, and instead of having their own standards and boundaries they all agree to this not-polyamory based on jealousy and possession.

They're going to stay at the Circus until Richard leaves the house. Zebrowski has been on the phone this whole time! She put the phone down, took a shower, bitched and moaned, then made the decision to go to the Circus, all while this guy waited? I hope he hung up on her.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Cerulean Sins Chapter Twenty Five

So I'm sick and really busy but honestly I FUCKING HATE THIS BOOK. Not only is this one as offensive as always, it is crushingly boring. This book has been nothing but genitals and wankery but I am bored to tears. 

But we must soldier on, everyone! Or I'll have to start talking shit about Iggy Azalea and then we'll be here all fucking night.

Anita had a new shower installed in the master bathroom. Shit I don't even remember where she is at this point. Has this even been addressed? At the Circus? At home? I guess it doesn't matter considering every place Anita spends time in has weird improbable showers that make me obsess over said improbability. She paid a werebear to install it because they don't ask questions about her living arrangements, for some reason, because I guess werebears become magically accepting of polyamory once they shift for the first time.

It chars my pancakes the way she acts like she fucking invented polyamory. But it quickly devolves even further because Anita thinks having sex with someone she's not in love with "probably said something about how far down the well of moral decay I'd fallen."

Cool. Well of moral decay. Can Sex Positive Lassie rescue her? What's that boy? Anita tripped over her massive Madonna/Whore complex and is trapped? In the well? The well moral decay? Good boy!

Anita stands in the hot, hot shower having a pathetic, pathetic pity party. She is all I'm a strong woman! I don't need a man! Men are jerks! Like Richard, who left me because I'm not human enough! The fact that she still thinks that is terrifying. It lets me know that Anita doesn't believe herself capable of rape, and also doesn't think men in particular can be raped.

Anita goes on, indulging in a truly wretched Strong Woman monologue that belongs in a high school play about quirky people who DON'T NEED YOUR PITY, OKAY? Her fiance in college left her because she wasn't white enough, and her stepmother never let her forget that she was small and had dark hair. THE HORROR. Which I don't get, because Anita does not have any markers that would generally speaking code her as a woman of color in a white supremacist country. She is often described as having skin so white it is almost translucent. She does not speak her native language and there's no indication she ever spoke it with her mother. She has no cultural traditions, no physical features that code her as other (and I am sorry not sorry, but being short does not count), no accent, no manner of speech that would suggest anything but the most bland form of U.S.'s hard for me to appreciate Anita as a woman of color when it's only trotted out when LKH needs some cheap and easy justification for Anita's ongoing emotional issues.

Anita at least realizes she's a shit head who doesn't appreciate all the ass and boot lickers around her who fall all over themselves to suck her toes and tongue bathe her no no place every time something even slightly unhappy happens to her. Don't hold your breath, this won't last.

Boo hoo, Anita is so sad she's sitting in the shower.

Jamil shows up and tells her Richard is hurt and they need to soak him in the tub here, I assume because he's a shifter and needs to be cooled down or heated up or whatever fucky attempt at biology is at work in this world. How convenient! Gee, I wonder if this could rekindle their romance????

So Jamil found Richard passed out and doesn't know what's wrong, but Anita magically does: Belle Morte has been feeding on him, too. And she knew this, despite not mentioning it when it first came up, and she didn't think to tell anyone because she just assumed he would handle it. The fact that he didn't isn't because of her callousness, or because he was caught out with no one around him, but because he just "let himself die." 

Jamil has dreadlocks because of course he does. In the midst of this high tension scene his clothes are also really important, you guys. His shirt matches the beads in his hair. Cool story, bro.


Anita is pissed she has to let Richard in because omg Richard broke her heeeeart. I wonder how he feels about being a rape victim? I have it on good authority that rape is a guaranteed heart breaker.

 This chapter was two and a half pages long and it was all devoted to whining.


Guy who wants his ancestor raised

Gregory and Stephen's rapist dad


Does anyone even remember these agonal attempts at plot?

Saturday, May 2, 2015

I'm still here

Just in case anyone has been wondering I am still slogging through Cerulean Sins. I have a post in the works as we speak but it probably won't get published until tomorrow. My health is all over the place but I have the next couple of days to myself, so you'll hopefully see a couple of sporks here soon!

<3 br="">

Monday, April 6, 2015

Cerulean Sins Chapter Twenty Four Part Two

There are so many worthwhile things I could be doing right now. Watching porn. Eating a whole pint of ice cream by myself. Saving Tyria. But here we are.

Because Jason and Anita are still fucking. 

Anita screams when her orgasm happens. I think that is hilarious and could be an awesome character trait in the hands of an author with any distance whatsoever from her creation. In this case though it's just laughable, especially because she claws Jason and then when that isn't enough she claws herself.

I have had many orgasms in my life. I have had orgasms so good they practically slammed me in to the ground. I have had orgasms that have made me question the cosmos and the existence of god (or at the very least made me want to sing several rousing choruses of hallelujah). I also once ate a piece of chocolate cake so good it nearly made me orgasm, but that's beside the point...

But never once, in all the nineteen years I have been doing all the wonderful things that tend to bring one to orgasm, have I felt the need to claw myself.  I mean really, imagine what poor Jason would be thinking if he had anything approaching a normal character. He's having sex with this woman and she comes. Yes, go me! He's thinking. And then she turns in to Regan from the Exorcist.

Jason comes.

He howls and stuff. Get it? Because he's a werewolf. Can't you just see LKH with her legs tightly crossed like, goddamn I am a genius.

The ardeur "drank him down."

You could make an excellent Mad Libs out of these books. When Anita ___ she ___ and then she and Jason ___ until the ardeur ____

 Or hey everyone, let's play a fun campfire game! Let's write an Anita Blake chapter!

Anita and J.C. rubbed the front of their bodies against each other until the front of J.C.'s body spilled from his poured on leather pants. His desire was like a cherries jubilee where the cherries are really, really hot, and the sugar is sweet, sweet. Anita ate his cherries jubilee down, down, and drank the brandy down as it spilled over her face. 

Jason is still in Anita. Eventually they um, disengage. Jason wants to cuddle and Anita tells him he was amazing. Do people actually do this? Like, was it good for you?

Jason and Anita have a truly mind numbing conversation about how Jason's dick isn't as big as some of Anita's other lovers'. It makes me like Jason somewhat, though, because he doesn't have any weird hangups about the size of his equipment. Since it's the Anita verse I'm guessing he probably has a nine inch wang, but they both consider that just average. (Anita also calls what they did "making love" for no reason whatsoever).

The conversation takes a legitimately interesting turn as they discuss Asher's erotic vampire powers. No seriously! I love this kind of shit. I mean, I wouldn't review these pieces of trash if they didn't disappoint me on a personal level, because let's be real: these could be SO good. I have always loved the idea of a sexually motivated society (think A.N. Rolequere's Sleeping Beauty Series, but you know, not earth endingly awful) and that is kind of where these books want to go. The notion that sex and blood letting is so enjoyable as to be crazy making is rad. But the execution will of course fail us all once again, and instead of this:

We'll get this:

They get in to a truly bizarre conversation about Jason's sexuality. To wit:

"I was a little confused for awhile about what exactly my preferences were. I mean I've been Jean-Claude's pomme de sang for about two years now. It's amazing when he feeds, Antia, a-fucking-mazing. Enjoying being with him this much made me think I might be gay. But I like girls. I'm not saying that with the right person bisexuality isn't a possibility, but not if it means never being able to do this again." (emphasis mine).

What in the unholy hell is he talking about? What about being bisexual means you can never have pussy again? If he were referring to being monogamous with a man, I could see him wondering about whether he'd be satisfied if he has a strong preference for women. But basically no one in this world is monogamous, unless Anita forces them to be because her self esteem is as good as wet tissue paper (and since it's the Anita verse I'll assume it's wet because some hideous man child has ejaculated gallons of super sperm in to it).

Anita has to inform us that she's sitting "Indian fashion." Look, characters don't need to masters of racial theory, right? It's a sad state of affairs, but most people are uninformed about racism and even moreso about terms that could be considered to have a racist origin. Plus Anita is attached to law enforcement, a notoriously conservative profession. But she's such an insensitive pig about everything that even relatively minor things like "Indian fashion" scrape against my brain like the palsied talons of the shitty book vulture. Oh, and the vulture is also racist.

This pictures depicts a performance art piece where the carcass represents LKH's career.

They go on and on about Anita's reprehensible sexual politics and all her stupid controlling hang ups, including the fact that J.C. won't sleep with Jason for fear of arousing the horrifying homophobia beast curled around Anita's insides like an especially well embedded tape worm.  Even Anita points out that Jason has been J.C.'s pomme de sang longer than she has been J.C.'s lover. I hate how everyone just accepts Anita barging in to their already well established relationships. If I were Jason there would be hell to pay if my master's new girlfriend was suddenly making calls that dramatically affected my life.

Anita's head hurts what with all this girly relationship stuff, because she's a fucking idiot. Sorry, I don't have anything clever to say about it. It's just such a plain fact it barely deserves to be remarked upon at this point.

Ultimately, Anita is afraid of loving someone "more than life itself." I think that's one of the only reasonable fears she's ever had.

The rest of this chapter turns in to an extended therapy session about how Anita feels she can't be in love with four men at once. Jason quite reasonably asks her why not. Does she seriously not know polyamory exists? I know a poly family comprised of seven adults, all of whom act as parents to the three children that have come from various unions within. Granted such a large poly relationship is somewhat atypical, but it does happen, and it can be successful. Anita is one of those extremely aggravating people that constantly sets up stumbling blocks for no fucking reason, and no matter how much encouragement and love and reassurance she absorbs she will continue self sabotaging until, frankly, she would be friendless in the real world.

Jason points out that she dated J.C. and Richard at once so she could avoid truly loving either of them. Anita weakly protests that J.C. threatened to kill Richard if she didn't date him.

"And why didn't you just kill Jean-Claude then? You don't tolerate ultimatums, Anita, so why tolerate that one?"

I didn't have an answer for that.

Jason just became my favorite character in this whole series. Also from a psychology point of view I find it really interesting how occasionally one of LKH's minor characters will become a vehicle for the death throes of her subconscious attempting to save her from herself. They will hit Anita with a truth she's been needing to hear for whole books, but then it invariably fizzles out and Anita goes right back to doing what she's been doing all along, namely treating everyone like disposable interchangeable sources of narcissist energy.


Oh my god. That is so fucking horrifying I almost closed down the computer and practiced deep breathing for awhile.

Jason continues calling her out by telling her to get the fuck over her stupid relationship from college. Oh god, thank you. It's nice to hear someone say it even if Anita won't grow or change in any way from this. Anita counters with the fact that she loved her mother completely and she died, and that she loved Richard completely and he dumped her, so she can't give herself completely to anyone anymore. The mother thing, I'll give her. She fucking RAPED Richard and surprisingly, he didn't want to stay with her after that. She is a disgusting skin sack stuffed to the brim with malignant personality-cancer. Except it won't have the good decency to kill her and spare me from this base and grotesque exercise. How about me, then? Anyone?

Poor Jason just wants someone to love him and would kill to have Anita's good fortune, the fortune and love she consistently squanders even though she been blessed with far more than her fair share. I didn't think it was possible to hate her more, but I've actually dredged up some particularly black bile from somewhere deep within just for her.