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Monday, April 6, 2015

Cerulean Sins Chapter Twenty Four Part Two

There are so many worthwhile things I could be doing right now. Watching porn. Eating a whole pint of ice cream by myself. Saving Tyria. But here we are.

Because Jason and Anita are still fucking. 

Anita screams when her orgasm happens. I think that is hilarious and could be an awesome character trait in the hands of an author with any distance whatsoever from her creation. In this case though it's just laughable, especially because she claws Jason and then when that isn't enough she claws herself.

I have had many orgasms in my life. I have had orgasms so good they practically slammed me in to the ground. I have had orgasms that have made me question the cosmos and the existence of god (or at the very least made me want to sing several rousing choruses of hallelujah). I also once ate a piece of chocolate cake so good it nearly made me orgasm, but that's beside the point...

But never once, in all the nineteen years I have been doing all the wonderful things that tend to bring one to orgasm, have I felt the need to claw myself.  I mean really, imagine what poor Jason would be thinking if he had anything approaching a normal character. He's having sex with this woman and she comes. Yes, go me! He's thinking. And then she turns in to Regan from the Exorcist.

Jason comes.

He howls and stuff. Get it? Because he's a werewolf. Can't you just see LKH with her legs tightly crossed like, goddamn I am a genius.

The ardeur "drank him down."

You could make an excellent Mad Libs out of these books. When Anita ___ she ___ and then she and Jason ___ until the ardeur ____

 Or hey everyone, let's play a fun campfire game! Let's write an Anita Blake chapter!

Anita and J.C. rubbed the front of their bodies against each other until the front of J.C.'s body spilled from his poured on leather pants. His desire was like a cherries jubilee where the cherries are really, really hot, and the sugar is sweet, sweet. Anita ate his cherries jubilee down, down, and drank the brandy down as it spilled over her face. 

Jason is still in Anita. Eventually they um, disengage. Jason wants to cuddle and Anita tells him he was amazing. Do people actually do this? Like, was it good for you?

Jason and Anita have a truly mind numbing conversation about how Jason's dick isn't as big as some of Anita's other lovers'. It makes me like Jason somewhat, though, because he doesn't have any weird hangups about the size of his equipment. Since it's the Anita verse I'm guessing he probably has a nine inch wang, but they both consider that just average. (Anita also calls what they did "making love" for no reason whatsoever).

The conversation takes a legitimately interesting turn as they discuss Asher's erotic vampire powers. No seriously! I love this kind of shit. I mean, I wouldn't review these pieces of trash if they didn't disappoint me on a personal level, because let's be real: these could be SO good. I have always loved the idea of a sexually motivated society (think A.N. Rolequere's Sleeping Beauty Series, but you know, not earth endingly awful) and that is kind of where these books want to go. The notion that sex and blood letting is so enjoyable as to be crazy making is rad. But the execution will of course fail us all once again, and instead of this:

We'll get this:

They get in to a truly bizarre conversation about Jason's sexuality. To wit:

"I was a little confused for awhile about what exactly my preferences were. I mean I've been Jean-Claude's pomme de sang for about two years now. It's amazing when he feeds, Antia, a-fucking-mazing. Enjoying being with him this much made me think I might be gay. But I like girls. I'm not saying that with the right person bisexuality isn't a possibility, but not if it means never being able to do this again." (emphasis mine).

What in the unholy hell is he talking about? What about being bisexual means you can never have pussy again? If he were referring to being monogamous with a man, I could see him wondering about whether he'd be satisfied if he has a strong preference for women. But basically no one in this world is monogamous, unless Anita forces them to be because her self esteem is as good as wet tissue paper (and since it's the Anita verse I'll assume it's wet because some hideous man child has ejaculated gallons of super sperm in to it).

Anita has to inform us that she's sitting "Indian fashion." Look, characters don't need to masters of racial theory, right? It's a sad state of affairs, but most people are uninformed about racism and even moreso about terms that could be considered to have a racist origin. Plus Anita is attached to law enforcement, a notoriously conservative profession. But she's such an insensitive pig about everything that even relatively minor things like "Indian fashion" scrape against my brain like the palsied talons of the shitty book vulture. Oh, and the vulture is also racist.

This pictures depicts a performance art piece where the carcass represents LKH's career.

They go on and on about Anita's reprehensible sexual politics and all her stupid controlling hang ups, including the fact that J.C. won't sleep with Jason for fear of arousing the horrifying homophobia beast curled around Anita's insides like an especially well embedded tape worm.  Even Anita points out that Jason has been J.C.'s pomme de sang longer than she has been J.C.'s lover. I hate how everyone just accepts Anita barging in to their already well established relationships. If I were Jason there would be hell to pay if my master's new girlfriend was suddenly making calls that dramatically affected my life.

Anita's head hurts what with all this girly relationship stuff, because she's a fucking idiot. Sorry, I don't have anything clever to say about it. It's just such a plain fact it barely deserves to be remarked upon at this point.

Ultimately, Anita is afraid of loving someone "more than life itself." I think that's one of the only reasonable fears she's ever had.

The rest of this chapter turns in to an extended therapy session about how Anita feels she can't be in love with four men at once. Jason quite reasonably asks her why not. Does she seriously not know polyamory exists? I know a poly family comprised of seven adults, all of whom act as parents to the three children that have come from various unions within. Granted such a large poly relationship is somewhat atypical, but it does happen, and it can be successful. Anita is one of those extremely aggravating people that constantly sets up stumbling blocks for no fucking reason, and no matter how much encouragement and love and reassurance she absorbs she will continue self sabotaging until, frankly, she would be friendless in the real world.

Jason points out that she dated J.C. and Richard at once so she could avoid truly loving either of them. Anita weakly protests that J.C. threatened to kill Richard if she didn't date him.

"And why didn't you just kill Jean-Claude then? You don't tolerate ultimatums, Anita, so why tolerate that one?"

I didn't have an answer for that.

Jason just became my favorite character in this whole series. Also from a psychology point of view I find it really interesting how occasionally one of LKH's minor characters will become a vehicle for the death throes of her subconscious attempting to save her from herself. They will hit Anita with a truth she's been needing to hear for whole books, but then it invariably fizzles out and Anita goes right back to doing what she's been doing all along, namely treating everyone like disposable interchangeable sources of narcissist energy.


Oh my god. That is so fucking horrifying I almost closed down the computer and practiced deep breathing for awhile.

Jason continues calling her out by telling her to get the fuck over her stupid relationship from college. Oh god, thank you. It's nice to hear someone say it even if Anita won't grow or change in any way from this. Anita counters with the fact that she loved her mother completely and she died, and that she loved Richard completely and he dumped her, so she can't give herself completely to anyone anymore. The mother thing, I'll give her. She fucking RAPED Richard and surprisingly, he didn't want to stay with her after that. She is a disgusting skin sack stuffed to the brim with malignant personality-cancer. Except it won't have the good decency to kill her and spare me from this base and grotesque exercise. How about me, then? Anyone?

Poor Jason just wants someone to love him and would kill to have Anita's good fortune, the fortune and love she consistently squanders even though she been blessed with far more than her fair share. I didn't think it was possible to hate her more, but I've actually dredged up some particularly black bile from somewhere deep within just for her.