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Monday, October 12, 2015

Cerulean Sins Chapter Thirty

Anita carries plastic in her car for when she needs to "transport" something "messier than chickens." First, its been so long since anything having to do with her animating has come up that the chickens thing is almost a non sequitur. It took me awhile to remember that on the extremely rare occasion that Anita actually does her fucking job, she sacrifices chickens to get the power required to raise a body.  This also makes me realize how few details are provided about animating, its origins, and how/why it works.

I'm a fan of what Sanderson would term "soft magic." That is, I don't think magic needs to have a set of hard and fast rules to be interesting, and in fact sometimes I prefer that it doesn't have many limits. That said, there's a difference between soft magic and a series of faint sketches that don't really come together in a cohesive image.

See this is why these take me so fucking long, because even the first sentence of an Anita Blake chapter inspires two paragraphs of bitching. 

Anita apparently stopped breathing during her bedroom scene with Mamma Darkness. Angst! Nathaniel has to drive so you know shit is bad.

Can someone explain this to me: "And I'd touched enough of her thinking to know it wouldn't bother her."

Is this some dialect I'm unfamiliar with or is this as nonsensical as it seems?

Anita goes on to say this in regards to Mamma Darkness: "She thought like a sociopath--no empathy, no sympathy, no guilt, no compassion."

Anita shows her ass by trying to hold forth on what sociopathy is. She cites the notion of a "pure sociopath" and I will tell you in all my years studying this and similar disorders I have never once heard that term. "True, pure sociopathy is pretty rare..."

Many years ago I had a friend who was a pathological liar. This person would lie about things just because, not out of any need to fabricate the information (e.g. to get in to a bar or out of trouble) but just because they couldn't admit when they didn't know something. That's what Anita reminds me of. She can't acknowledge that she's ignorant so she just makes shit up instead. That, or she's so incompetent she doesn't have the skills to recognize she's incompetent. Anita Blake: Vampire Dunning-Kruger Effect-er.

Anita sniffs the air and decides Caleb smells "young." This means his meat would be particularly tender. This is totally gross. She thinks Caleb smells like jailbait and that makes her want him more. Ugh. There's nothing good to say about this.

"You smell good, Caleb. All tender and scared."

I don't think it's a secret that I hate every sleazy cell in Caleb's stupid, stupid body. But this is so far from okay you couldn't locate okay with a detailed map, a magical compass, and a sentient animal companion to guide you. Okay has gone the way of the dodo. It is the free love generation, once so full of hope, now nothing but the threadbare scraps of a dream.

Ugh, sorry. I have been reading LKH for so long I get purple prose seizures.

What I mean to say is, this is fucking bullshit. And it's absolutely unforgivably disgusting. Caleb is not a piece of meat no matter how many times Anita compares him to one. I get that we're supposed to think oh look how vampire-like Anita is becoming ooga booga spoopy scaryz, but it doesn't work. This is Anita right now:

Anita uses the word pulse like eighty billion times. She fantasizes about his pulse being like candy and omg you guys I am so over this. Didn't we just have a chapter where she just about took a chunk out of him? 

There are cars following them. Um, I thought we already covered the fact that they're being followed. Did LKH forget her own stuff between this chapter and the next? Am I going crazy? (crazier?)

Jason is also thinking about eating Caleb. Anita says that the difference between dogs and wolves is that dogs never look at humans and think "food." Honestly, neither do wolves. LKH seems to know this because she makes Anita say something about how there's never been a recorded wolf attack on a human in North America, but that must be wrong because somehow the supernatural wolf monster that acts nothing like an actual wolf behaves in a blood thirsty manner.

Somehow Jason is "projecting his need" for flesh on to Anita, which frankly just sounds like a narcissistic inability to take responsibility for her own desires.

They try to figure out what to do about the guys that are following them. Anita actually admits she's not a real detective and doesn't know what to do in a situation like this. Normally I would be glad to see her admit to not knowing something, but this just makes her look ridiculously incompetent. Sure, she's not a detective but she's constantly playing up her involvement with the police and what to do when being followed is some 101 shit.

Oh, well. Now they're not being followed. Maybe they weren't being followed at all. Because turns out, if you're banging the Master of the City it's pretty easy to find you which means no one needs to follow you in the first place.

Here lies Tension, taken from us too soon. Sadly, she never matured in to Plot.

She touches Jason who is still wolfed out. For some reason this makes their mutual desire to eat Caleb get stronger. What the fuck? Why is she reacting to Jason as if they're bound? Sense, it makes none. Also jesus this is the weirdest car ride. Oh, and when did they have the time to pull over and switch drivers? God, I am so lost.

And let me just point out, Caleb is a fucking leopard. It was stupid enough to characterize Donovan the Swanking as food, considering he turns in to a ginormous vicious bird from hell that can break arms and drown people, but Caleb is. a. leopard. Why the fuck a werewolf and an overpowered animator want to eat him, I have no earthly clue. Caleb tries to get away from them. He "spills" and they "spill after him."

Sooooo not only has this been several chapters of nothing but people in a car feeling feelings and seeing things, BUT this is the BIGGEST CAR IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE. Right now it contains a fully shifted werewolf, Anita, Nathaniel who at one point earlier was also shifted if I remember right, and Caleb. Somehow, Anita, Jason, and Caleb are all in the backseat. Remember, Jason is SHIFTED. And YET Caleb ALSO has room to try and get away from both him and Anita.

Anita is on her knees in front of Caleb. How is this possible? THEY'RE IN A CAR ON THE HIGHWAY. Oh and here comes Richard in a cloud form to blow through Anita's mind in a cloud of sugar. DOES ANYONE ELSE REALIZE THAT THIS ENTIRE CAR RIDE HAS CONSISTED OF PEOPLE SEEING AND SMELLING THINGS IN THEIR OWN HEADS? What must this look like from the outside? Is this supposed to constitute plot? There are EYES and CLOUDS and BLACK ROOMS and GOD why am I doing this again?

I'm on a lot of oxycodone right now but it turns out there's no drug that can numb the psychic pain of reading this 'book.'

Anita just loves the pulse in Caleb's neck, so much that she has to mention it a hojillion times. She goes on to mention that both she and Richard are homophobes yet seems to think that's just a quirky little character trait rather than a glaring personality flaw. The hunger is coming from him, too, thanks to Belle screwing around with his mind. Are you getting the sense that it's tough for me to try and turn all of this in to a coherent synopsis? There's a reason and it's not the painkillers.

Caleb has a pulse in his stomach.

Richard suggests Anita turn the hunger to a desire for sex instead. For some reason Anita asks Richard if he'd really be okay with her fucking Caleb, even though they're broken up. And you know, the whole Richard being Anita's rape victim thing.

Even Richard is like, we're not dating.

Beasts go through Anita. She's left "kneeling" despite the fact that she was already kneeling somehow in the backseat of her fucking car. And can I just say, the Circus must be hundreds and hundreds of miles away given how ENDLESS this STUPID FUCKING CAR RIDE is.

Richard forces Jason to change. This is a very painful process and also totally unnecessary. I have zero idea what is going on anymore. Oh, I guess it's to keep him from eating Caleb? But the context made it sound like it was because Anita wouldn't fuck Jason while he's shifted, except the talk had been about fucking Caleb....

Anita stares "at the curve of his butt." She's a grown woman regularly getting railed by just about every swinging dick she comes across, but she uses the word "butt" with a straight face. Oh and now she's just hungry for Jason too, in a sausage way not in a 'sausage' way. Richard tells her he'll feed and she'll be sated through that. For some reason the proper response is to scream.

So let's recap shall we? So far this car ride has involved disembodied eyes, glitter clouds that are also sweet, the smell of roses, a bazillion pulses pulsing tenderly in pulse point places, a little visit to a black black blackity black room with a bed DARKER THAN THE DARKEST SOUL upon which the Mother of all Darkness rests in all her spoopiness, a vision about Belle Morte where there's screaming and dreams and gossamer, a driver switch that apparently no one had to pull over to accomplish, a near accident that inexplicably and conveniently attracted zero police, a magically expanding backseat, and Richard turning up on the mind phone. Anita then punches a dent in the car door, but is still intact.

Richard decides the best thing to do to keep Anita from eating Caleb is to play with himself, hoping to turn Anita on enough that she'll want dick instead of a slim jim. Keep in mind he's jerking it in front of poor Jamil.

This has got to be one of the most asinine things I have ever read, and I've read both My Immortal and My Inner Life. I would read My Inner Life in particular over this drivel any day.

Anita consideres forcing Richard to do what she wants. I guess once you've already violated someone's consent, why not do it again?

Richard is sorry for...something. I don't know what. I hate his character because he just exists for LKH to masturbate on. He sucks and it's on purpose. It's like when you're in fifth grade and your first story is how McMeanyHead gets punished for being mean to your 'main character,' a main character whose name is suspiciously similar to your own.

Her and Richard are like melty candy and Anita wants to melt together forever.

J.C. wakes up. This car ride FINALLY ENDS.

Thursday, October 8, 2015

Moar Anita this weekend, I hope

Sorry about the no entries situation for the past couple of weeks. Life happened in a lot of ways but I haven't forgotten about skewering Anita (not like THAT) so stay tuned.