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Thursday, August 21, 2014

Cerulean Sins Chapter Two

Dottie's chapter here

"Lindel cemetery was one of those new modern affairs, where all the headstones are low to the ground and you aren't allowed to plant flowers."

It's quite possible that places like this exist but I personally have never seen one, and I've been in more than a few graveyards in my life.

Anita calls this depressing, which it is, but then goes on about how it depresses her expressly because it's not Christian enough for her. She would prefer statues of Mary and angels and so forth. The thing is, she's never been presented as a sentimental person and in fact the author goes on and on about her practicality, so it seems odd that she's mourning the loss of traditional graveyard adornments. Not only that but her smug insistence that Christianity is the only valid religion is why I gave up on the series so many years ago.

Wait, hold on. I assumed we were here to raise Harlan's ancestor as all of that meandering set up would lead me to believe, but this is apparently a totally different animating job. O...kay, let's see where this goes.

This is for some kind of expensive insurance claim because the police ruled the death accidental. I don't get it. I am no insurance expert but I thought dying in an accident was a sure way to get paid out. If you commit suicide, most insurance companies won't pay on your life insurance. Oh hang on, I've puzzled out that it is the insurance company paying for this. That makes better sense.

Though, I am left wondering why animators don't work with the police as a matter of course. They should be like CSI or the medical examiner, supporting investigations. Because why wouldn't you just raise every single murder victim and ask them who the perpetrator is straight out? The author ought to give me some reason as to why this won't work. If it has been given, I certainly don't remember it.

There's a quick rundown of the drama between the family, the insurance company, and the police. Some of the people here have restraining orders against each other. There's a black and white and an unmarked police car. There's a fairly funny bit about Anita's new Jeep, and how it was tough to convince her insurance company that werehyenas tore apart the last car.

She thinks the insurance guy, Conroy, has "unadorned" eyes.

Conroy has a couple of huge dudes behind him but Anita is apparently a genius for realizing that they're bodyguards.

The bodyguards are called Rex and Balfour. Anita asks Rex if that's his real name. NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS. I HATE this question. NONE. OF. YOUR. BUSINESS. There's obviously a reason he doesn't use his legal name and Anita has no right to know that reason. They just met. One of the basic ways you can respect other people is by using the name they introduce themselves with. Really, it's not that hard.

Anita needles Balfour over having only one name, though I have no idea how she's drawn that conclusion. Most people introduce themselves by using only their first names, in the U.S. anyway. She deliberately needles him by comparing him to Madonna or Cher, because they too only use one name. What is this fuckface's problem? Is there a reason she's so snarky and invasive to people she just met? She basically dismisses them both as idiots just because they're muscled, too.

Mrs. Bennington is here, presumably the widow of the deceased. Anita doesn't like her and wanted her to stay home. What a shocker, a woman is here that Anita doesn't like. Anita is also emotionally tone deaf because she seems to think that the guy's widow will just agree to stay home. She has a right to be here.

Conroy and Mrs. Bennington have apparently been in a fist fight before, which I assume is why there are restraining orders flying around. The fact that Mrs. Bennington can handle herself in a fight makes me like her a lot more than I like Anita, but Anita is going to judge her for defending herself because Anita only thinks violence is okay when she's doing it.

Anita was apparently there for this confrontation but portraying that would be too interesting so we have to suffer through her recounting it instead.

Once again Anita tells us that if Bennington is raised and says he died by accident, the insurance company (Fidelis) has to pay up. If he says he killed himself, his widow gets nothing.

Soooo, how come zombies can't lie? I'd love some world building here to explain to me why Bennington's zombie can't just tell them he died in an accident even if it isn't true.

Mrs. Bennington is "not one of your liberated women. She liked being a wife and mother. I was glad for her, it meant more freedom for the rest of us."

And Anita is supposed to be a strong feminist character? There are young girls looking up to this walking travesty? My heart is trying to come right out of my chest at the very thought. If you think a woman shouldn't enjoy being a wife and mother, you are not a feminist. I'm just going to come out and say it. Feminism is in essence about women's choices and respecting those choices. It isn't about forcing women in to narrow 'acceptably' powerful type A jobs. (You'll also notice those 'empowered' jobs and roles are usually conventionally masculine. Feminism, that is not). Of course Anita doesn't need to be an expert on gender studies or feminist literature but this is so bad it's swirling around the plumbing in a gastrointestinal clinic.

Not to mention Anita is not more free than Mrs. Bennington. Mrs. Bennington is probably more empowered and secure in herself than Anita is. Anita can't even accept that she likes fucking more than one dude at a time. How empowered is that? Anita isn't in control of her sexuality, her magic, her mind, or her relationships. Everything she does has the veneer of control but in reality her attempts to abusively manipulate everyone around her comes from a fractured personality and deeply felt insecurity.

There's a rookie cop here, pretty much so Anita can feel superior to him. Another cop is trying to convince Mrs. Bennington that Anita can't make the zombie lie. Well, I wouldn't believe Anita either. Anita thinks that the dead don't lie, but gives no justification for why that might be.

Mrs. Bennington is wearing heels, which means she's an icky laaaaady and her character will be assassinated for as long as she's on screen. Anita makes a weird comment about the cop in her way being five nine and therefore short for a man, even though that's an average height.

The cop and Mrs. Bennington have a bit of an altercation but it fizzles before any blows are exchanged.

"If she'd been my wife I'd have shot myself too."

Well then you're a fucking asshole, random cop, because you have no idea what this woman is like when she isn't grieving and sure she's about to get fucked over by highly unethical dealings.

The officer introduces himself as Officer Nicols and Anita calls Mrs. Bennington a "crazy bitch" behind her back. Why do you hate women, Anita? This little commiserating circle jerk is truly disgusting, as Officer Nicols and Anita grasp each other's dicks firmly and stroke about Mrs. Bennington being one of those horrible unreasonable female creatures.

There is seriously a few pages devoted to this.

Even Nicols, who we've just met, has to wax eloquent about how most cops would rather have Anita as back up instead of another uniform. Does LKH truly think this is effective? I mean she must, considering how often this happens. But because Anita is so horrible it just makes me burst out laughing instead of whatever sort of hero worship LKH is hoping to inspire in me. I find it pretty disturbing that LKH doesn't seem to understand that actions are what's important.

Nicols and Anita make some shitty comments about Zebrowski and how he managed to nab a wife so out of league. Just because he can't dress himself? I think how one presents one's self is very important. Soft skills are an absolute necessity, including properly fitting, coordinated clothing. But only in a shit novel could something like not knowing how to dress yourself be a character's defining characteristic. Every time Zebrowski has been on screen he's been a very nice person. Why wouldn't his wife want him? Just because he can't coordinate his tie with his shirt?

Anita goes to get her zombie raising tools, including a giant machete because reasons.


  1. Apparently, if you raise a zombie that had a violent death and/or murder (former might not apply. I can't recall), you get a violent zombie that will destroy anything or anyone in its path until it kills its murderer. According to the books, it is impossible to control until it completes said task. Of course, this doesn't explain why they can't help out with nonmurder investigations.

  2. Not to mention that the newest Anita books have her getting married to MULTIPLE "sweeties." But a married woman isn't liberated, and Anita would never do that to herself.


    That hypocrite picture is too true.

    1. I know! I just hate her so much. It's not just that Anita is unlikeable it's that we're SUPPOSED to love her.