Narcissus in Chains Chapter Fifty Four

Anita is a snarky dick about the process of bringing Gretchen back around, even though she's the fool who won't let the issue drop. Anita can't plan. Like, at all. You'd think being a successful protagonist would entail some ability to delegate and prioritize, but no. Hamilton suffers from the notion that a heroine is only empowered if she is a high powered bull headed idiotic sarcastic ass.

Jason is going to be Gretchen's first meal and will take the bulk of "the damage" when she comes out of the coffin. On its face this makes sense considering he's a shifter and can heal by changing forms, but the means of shifting in LKH's world is so inefficient one has to wonder if the ability to do so will really help him here. J.C. will be meal number two, though I am left to wonder how they expect to pry a starving vampire off of Jason before she kills him.

The purpose of J.C. feeding her is to bond Gretchen to him all over again. Apparently it will bind her to the Master of the City, her bloodline, and her maker, which in this case is J.C. himself. One wonders how the hell you can be oathed to your bloodline, though. Aren't you just a part of it? Once a vampire is created their lineage is what it is. How in the world could you even remove it in the first place?

Damian is in a shakier position because the only connection he has is to Anita, since she's his master now for some reason that has yet to become clear to me. But they're going to spend their energy and blood on Gretchen first, even though she has a much better chance of 'living' and should be saved for last. Damian will be permanently mad if they can't bring him back around by the way, but rest assured that even if it were to happen Anita wouldn't stake him. Then she'd have to do some actually execution...ing, and we've already established that she is in fact the Suck Vampire Dick-er instead.

Anita proves my point by angsting about how she doesn't want to have to kill Gretchen. O...kay. Even though apparently the last time Gretchen was around, she tried to kill Anita? Even though she's a murderous vampire?

Oh here we fucking go again:

"The idea of being Gretchen's first meal made him [Jason] laugh, that anticipatory sound that is half grown-up male, and half little boy. The sound men reserve for things that combine sex and usually sports, cars, technology, or danger--depends on your man. I am sure there are men out there who would give that purring, excited laugh at the thought of gardening, or poetry, but I haven't met them."

That is just hilariously, cartoonishly offensive. Really? Okay men, I want you to sit in the sharing circle so the Almighty Anita can hand out your interests on little cards. There are only five cards and you may never trade them in for anything else. If you do not like the items listed on these cards, tough fucking shit, for you are a MAN and your only purpose is to be a sexual predator and/or a big stupid baby that is entertained solely by shiny things.

I ALSO love FUCKING LOATHE how this is another passage just dripping with the caustic ichor of cishet assumptions. There is one kind of man, and he is a cisgender straight guy. Big surprise! Except totally not. You see, in Anita's world gay relationships aren't real, and gay sex only grudgingly exists, and then only to titillate Anita primarily.

Also ladies if you thought you were getting out of here alive, think again: If you WANT one of those five cards, because perhaps you love, say, technology? NO. NO CARD FOR YOU. For you are forever tainted by your vagina. Pick one of the following:

1). Exotic fetish object
2). Mannish grunting bodyguard
3). Stupid vapid whore who wears too much makeup and is totes trying toooo haaard you guys

That's it. That's all you get.

So they open the coffin and Gretchen is all horrifying and wizened, though any suspense LKH has managed to build is ruined by ..."they eyes that stared back at me were filled with something brown and dried, like big raisins." 

Can you think of a less serious analogy than that? If you're trying to for creeping horror, raisin is a bad word to use. It's like trying to be serious but saying sneeze or snozzberries or slap my ass and call me Susan. It does not work.

Anita is so disturbed by the sight that she punches J.C. in the face for doing this to Gretchen. Hypocrite. Miss I Wanna Be the Bolverk so I can commit atrocities in Richard's name. This does inspire empathy, just disgust.